A Bad Day
by Grey Blade
Summary: ..Seriously, who was this guy?...I hate you...I'M being sarcastic?... Only some of Edward's thoughts as he goes through a really bad day, finds a new personality to go with it, observes indiscreet changes through everyone he knows, and goes a little crazy
1. Chapter 1

**Just reread "The ****Bartimaeus**** Trilogy" and I just can't get enough of ****Bartimaeus****. I recommend the book to all. Anyway, I was reading it, but I was still not over being obsessed with the Twilight series. I wanted to write something with a sarcastic tone in it and decided it had to be set in Twilight. I couldn't ****think of**** anyone who can be as sarcastic as ****Bartimaeus**** so I just chose the first person that popped into my head. I needed an explanation for his new sarcasm so decided to just give him a really bad day.**

* * *

"WHAT ARE YOU? STUPID?!" 

No but you are.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!"

No to be exact.

"ANSWER ME!"

"What do you want me to say?" I dead-panned.

This was _so_ not one of my days. For one thing, my feet were weary from chasing a masochistic squirrel accusing me of stealing its nut, and secondly , Bella was somewhere else, on a trip with her dad, leaving me stuck with nothing to do but to help out the family.

And because of those two factors that seem to bring about my inevitable bad day, I felt sarcasm dripping in every part of my body. That usually didn't happen of course. I don't strike people as the sarcastic type. Not even I strike _myself_ as that type.

I, Edward Cullen, was being sarcastic. Hah!

"I want you to answer me and tell me what you've done with my pie!"

I blinked up at the Cullen behemoth in front of me. Pie? _PIE_? Who the heck was talking about pie?

Emmet didn't answer me. He glared from under his lashes attempting to look frightening. Of course this was a futile attempt. The dimples didn't help. When he wasn't being a vampire, he looked the type that ended up in a bunch of girly slaps.

I blinked, for the umphteenth time that day. Emmet _usually _seemed the innocent yet menacing type despite the dimples. He didn't end up bitch slapping people. No, he was the type that looked like he could do with a full-on fight. But that didn't seem to be the case today. Far from it.

"Look, I just went out in search of a squirrel who gave me a large lump to remember it by"-I pointed to a lump on my head where the rodent threw its acorn at me-"and I come home being accused of stealing pie. Do you see anything wrong with this picture?"

This way of talking did _not_ suit the gentleman in me at all. I was born in the early 1900's and I was talking as if I just came from the hub.

See? There it was again. The squirrel must've hit my head harder than I thought. What kind of twentieth-century gentleman said _hub_? I shivered, becoming a tad bit afraid of myself and my newly-found personality.

And…why was I chasing a squirrel anyway?

"It was blueberry…." Emmet murmured.

Who the hell _cared_? It could have been blueberry or strawberry or-wait. Something crossed my mind. I could've slapped my forehead at the fact that I didn't notice it sooner but the lump was still there.

"You don't eat pie," I stated.

"Pie is good for the soul," Emmet declared. There was a transition in his eyes from muddy brown to topaz as a dreamy expression crossed his face. I rolled my eyes to the sky at the pun he unintentionally stated. "As if you have a soul," I murmured.

An expression mixed with shock and more so hurt contorted his apparently angel-like face. The dimples set themselves into place despite the grimace. His eyes changed back to its original muddy brown.

"But pie is good," he whimpered.

Seriously, who_ was _this guy?

I tried to get the truth straight out from his mind. Either this was some kind of alternate universe where everyone's personalities (mine included) were mixed up or I was in a reality TV show. The first explanation seemed to make more sense.

I focused my mind into his awareness.

Nothing.

Except a bunch of chirping crickets.

…

That was _not_ right. Chirping crickets inside the evidently dumb guy's head representing the fact that there is nothing in his brain because of the fact that he's …dumb….is something you see on one of those gay cartoons. This was definitely not a gay cartoon.

I stared at him, dumbfounded. Emmet was smart. No, Emmet _is _smart.The dumb guy was supposedly not able to even read the Alphabet. The Emmet Edward knew could recite it backwards in 9 different languages without so much as a hesitation. So why were we previously having a strange conversation on pie and why are there chirping crickets in his head?

My "brother" misinterpreted my silence.

His muddy brown eyes turned even muddier and his lower lip trembled. He ran away screaming "Edward _hates_ me!"

I blinked at the empty space that used to be Emmet. It was official. I was in an alternate universe. No wonder I was being ungentleman-ish.

I decided to go to Carlisle and talk to him about it but before I could even take one full step Alice was in front of me, beaming endlessly with brilliant white teeth.

Not in the mood to start reading minds, I just asked straight out. "What?"

"Let's go shopping Edward!"

"Whut?" I asked in a more dead tone.

She grabbed my hand and towed me to her yellow Porsche.

Dot, dot, dot…

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**I like the second chapter more actually. Can't wait to finish it then upload it. Hope you like this one! Read and press the button down there to tell me what you think! Tell me if i left any typos un-untypo-ed.  
**


	2. Chapter 2

Yeah! Chapter 2. I'm starting to like the sarcastic Edward more and more, though it would be a crime to turn him into that in the actual book. Plus, here in mah' story, he starts to ponder on the impossible, becoming only a tiny bit crazy.

* * *

Shopping. 

I could hear the funeral music in the background already. Not that I needed a funeral. I was a vampire. But strangely, it seemed I had skipped the death part. It felt like I just went straightaway to hell.

Hmm…strange.

Alice walked into the main entrance and led me straight to the second and third floors where all the fashion boutiques were. I followed with all the speed, elegance and grace of a walking corpse. Of course, the surrounding mortals didn't think so. From their minds, I knew they were intimidated by my "grace". I wasn't being graceful of course. This wasn't much of my day.

Alice seemed to notice my hesitance, though.

_It really is bad that Bella went away. _I flinched as I read that particular, beautiful name in her mind. _Carlisle is too busy at the hospital and __Esme__ is too busy helping him. Rosalie and Jasper are out, too. _

She sighed loudly, confusing the clerk at the counter. _Did I do something wrong_, he wondered.

He looked stupidly at the items Alice had given him, wondering if he scanned them right or if he forgot an item to register.

As exciting as his thoughts were, I ignored them and turned back to Alice.

_Maybe I shouldn't have brought Edward along. But then I'd have to have brought Emmet. He isn't much of a shopper, though. But then Edward doesn't seem to be in the mood. Maybe we'll go car shopping later on._

I couldn't see why this bothered her. She usually went shopping on her own when Bella (I flinched), Rosalie or Esme were out. There were times when Jasper would come with her, but in general she was fine shopping alone. But the prospect of buying a new car to add to the collection lightened me up a bit so I kept my mouth shut.

The clerk, having found nothing wrong, handed her the shopping bags.

"Yay!" she squealed.

I blinked dumbfoundedly just as I blinked at Emmet. Did she just say "yay" right after her thoughts of depression? Maybe I had some ear wax. Maybe my theory on the alternate universe was right. Maybe Alice had a multiple personality disorder.

Hmm…this was definitely something to look into when we got home.

We walked out the store and Alice started to skip.

Skip? Alice didn't _skip_. I knew her to be a fairly hyper vampire, as far as hyper vampires can go, but she didn't _skip._ What kind of an eighteen year old-technically speaking- girl would _skip_?

Something else to look into.

I followed her with as much grace and elegance as before. Like a four year old kid going to his first day at school I pretty much dragged my feet and frowned.

Alice scanned the stores and from time-to-time stopped to look at a dress she liked.

I scowled at her. Any thought of getting a new car vanished completely from her mind. I was about to leave when a justified theory for the skipping entered my head.

Alice was an alien.

…

I pondered on this for a moment longer but somehow it seemed to make sense. Emmet (or is he?) could be in on it. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if bright green life forms in equally bright green space suits would come down from a metal vessel and abducted me right on the spot. They could've abducted the real Alice and Emmet then went ahead in Alice and Emmet costumes to spy on us.

Didn't bother me one bit. Just aroused my curiosity. Being dissected and studied by other beings in a strange planet didn't seem as disturbing as this pathetic excuse for a building they call a mall. All I had to do really was get Bella to a safe place before the count down to the end of the world was gone. Simple enough really. And since my dissection was inevitable, I decided to just play along.

Alien Alice suddenly squealed and ran. I did the same. Except I didn't squeal, of course. And I didn't run. I dragged my feet towards the direction she went.

I found her chatting animatedly with someone from our class. Angela Weber, was it? Yes, the girl with the extra kind thoughts.

I realized for the first time, that I was surrounded by nothing but women, which was strange. They were all staring at me as if I were the secretary of the math department running around in a toga and a muumuu skirt with a light saber strapped on my back.

That didn't really bother me. The female variety of women always looked at me liked that. I decided to just ignore it and hovered over to where Alice was. Angela was also talking to her, less animatedly though, as her back was to me.

Deciding there was nothing else to do, I started scanning the simple, trivial minds of the women fawning over me.

_What is he? __Crazy?_

I frowned. That wouldn't usually be your average thought on someone you were drooling over.

I looked around through the other minds of these girls.

_Such a pity.__So handsome but mentally incompetent._

Excuse me?

_There should be a nurse somewhere nearby…_

_Where's__ the police when you need one?_

_HELP! A PERVERT! _

_Oh __drats__, I knew I should have worn that pink blouse. __Would've had him chasing me in minutes._

_Should I ask him out? Or just plain ask him out of the bathroom?_

The bathroom?

For the first time, I noticed the large mirrors and the cherry wood doors leading to cubicles. My eyes wondered to the pale red and scarlet tiles around me and after a while, I looked at the confused eyes of the surrounding women.

I was in the ladies room of course. Which explains the absence of men except for moi.

Hmm…embarrassing.

I walked out of the bathroom barely even caring. I felt the burning glares of men waiting at the door pierce my back.

_If my wife comes out naked…_

That wouldn't be my fault. I had a new non-gentleman personality at my wake. It was a sarcastic one, not an inhuman, pervertic one.

I suddenly thought at what the real Emmet would be saying when he would find out. I grimaced as I imagined the jeers I would receive when Alien Alice would tell him. I could take snide comments from him occasionally, but when they would get too personal or too humiliating…(sigh)…this really wasn't my day.

* * *

Chapter 2 is done. I like chapter 3 better. But you people will just have to wait. Inform me of any typos you see! 


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay, just so we're clear…no one is an alien here. Edward's just going the tiniest bit crazy. Again, I emphasize the tiniest bit only. Just so we're clear. And so, here's chapter 3!**

* * *

Without bothering to wait for Alien Alice, I went around the mall, hovering my way through, pretending I was nothing more than a ghost. Maybe if I concentrated hard enough, people would even think I didn't exist. This was very, very hard to do. People kept glancing at my direction, drawn to my carnivorous lure and attraction.

I sighed heavily, just pretending, myself, that I was the ghost. It made things feel a lot better. Fine, maybe not a _lot_. But a_ little_ accounted for something, right? Okay fine, pretending I was a ghost made no difference whatsoever.

But it gave me time to ponder on my situation and possibly the very Earth's position.

I subconsciously tapped my chin with my index finger as I thought along the high-brand fashion stores which were slowly turning into other stores I didn't care to take notice off.

Let's see. It was highly possible that the strange Emmet I saw this afternoon was also an alien, which also points to the high possibility of Alien Emmet and Alien Alice being in cahoots together.

My train of thought changed.

_A strange __word__, cahoots._

I went back to my original ponderings.

Alien Alice and Angela Weber seemed to have been communicating in the bathroom a while ago, which means…Angela was also an alien!

I could sense a breakthrough coming. Of course, I wouldn't have time to unravel it fully and share my discovery with everyone else since the extra terrestrials were planning Earth's demise anyway.

I went on with this thinking when I saw something and made me freeze in place.

The fashion department evaporated completely. I had walked to some area of extra-curricular stores.

There was one that caught my attention, especially. A pet store, it seemed. And the window showed small cages stacked one on top of the other and it was the top cage that made my non-existent blood run cold. (hah!)

In the cage was a little lump of red fur. It was a squirrel in the cage. The same squirrel I was chasing this morning. What it was doing in a _pet _store, I couldn't tell but I didn't have time to wonder any longer. My greatest horror was sitting there in its cage.

Well, not sitting, actually. It was curled up in a tight ball with its bush of a tail wound around it. I appraised its appearance and wondered if it was trapped in a pet asylum, rather than a pet store. Its fur was bristled and crackled at every squirrel body part you could think of. In its spindly arms was its, dare I say it, nut. The same nut I was accused of stealing and the very same nut that was thrown at my very grateful forehead. Its eyes were so big (well, bigger than usual) they practically popped out of its head, dominating the whole thing.

It didn't seem to notice me, though. It was too wound up in its…er, state to notice anything at all.

I decided to take the advantage and just walk away. Far away. Before any sort of spectacle would be made.

It would be one hell of a spectacle, too. Bloodsucking, animal-killing vampire vs. deranged squirrel. Given my new laziness and my mood, there was no doubting the rodent would win, hands down.

...Was a squirrel a rodent or a marsupial? Maybe it was an alien. Ah, well…

----------

After walking for some time, I was piercingly aware of someone following me.

Ah, the aliens knew I was suspicious of them.

I looked behind my shoulder and spotted a short woman with a sort of determined yet absurd expression.

I disliked her immediately. For one thing, she was ugly. She was almost as short as Alice, but unlike my sister, who had a petite figure, this one was, not exactly fat, but more like plump. Her plump figure was made even plumper by the beige, frumpy, turtleneck sweater with the ancient checkered skirt. Actually, it was so ancient-y(ancient-y?)-looking it wouldn't surprise if it belonged to my grandmother.

Seriously, who wore miniskirts in cold places like these?

But what really got me was her face. Her nose was okay enough, but her lips were so tight, like she was sucking on a really bad lemon. And her _eyes_. What's with those? They were just so wide and bulging they just jutted out of her small, flat face. They weren't the same kind of big as the squirrel's eyes. They were freakier and they just reminded me of some animal that I didn't like.

I just decided to ignore the thing on legs but it really was no use.

I made sharp turns into different departments and climbed up and down stairs and escalators that only a vampire could memorize, but she just kept at it!

It was obvious she wasn't an alien, but maybe they were their pet. Yeah, most likely. An annoying one. Kinda' reminded me of Mike Newton, except uglier. She followed me around just like the golden retriever Newton was, except a dog didn't seem to fit her well. She looked like some sort of animal but I couldn't put my finger on it.

She followed me with that same determined expression. We ended up in the food court part of the mall. I had hoped the throng of people would hide me from it but she just kept at it with that same determined, lemon-sucking expression.

When I passed the same smoothie stall for the sixth time, I swung on my heels and turned to the girl.

"I'm sorry but you must have me confused for someone else."

"No I don't," she replied, sure.

I read her mind, trying to get the face she was taking me for.

_It really is too bad I didn't wear that pink shirt. Oh well, I just have to charm him with my looks. They're __enough,__ I guess._

Yeah right! I snorted loudly to her face, simultaneously recognizing her as one of the women from the bathroom.

Her eyes widened even more at my snorting and then, just as she was blabbing about something, I realized what her face reminded me of.

I decided to name her Goldfish.

She was still blabbering when I felt some huge rock of sorts lifted off my shoulder. Just as always, it was a relief to finally realize something that was just at the tip of your tongue for a looooong time.

"…I love you."

What?

"What?" I repeated out loud for her.

"I said I love you."

Hearing those words from Bella was an unexplainable and painful happiness for me, but coming from Goldfish, how do you reply to something like _that_?

"Erm…sure. I…love you, too."

Her face lightened greatly with hope. "Really?"

"No."

The reply was curt and concise. Fitting. And I was sure getting a few rejections was healthy, especially if it involves getting your hopes dashed.

Her lower lip started to tremble and her eyes watered. Sigh…she was the crying type. The gentleman now buried deep within me reached out.

"Look, Goldfish-"

"_Goldfish_!" She screamed in pain, her face contorting even more in said emotion.

Woops. Should've used her real name, whatever it is. I'm sure not even Alien pets didn't like being named after fishes with memory spans of 3-15 seconds.

"Ah…you see, Gol-ah, I mean…"

"But my name's Martha! I've told you 4 times!"

She _did_? Well, Martha didn't fit her anyway. Martha sounded like a name you give to rich, middle-aged women in floral dresses. Here was a big-eyed girl in a frumpy sweater. And besides, her eyes just screamed _Goldfish_ right at me.

Then an idea struck my head. I was fighting to hide my smirk of triumph.

I didn't say anything as I put my hand around her shoulder and pulled her to the direction we just walked in. I didn't want to risk giving out my plan to get rid of the pet of the evident beings who were about to bring Earth's very demise with carelessly chosen words…

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**I made Edward a little mean here. Sorry for that, but it came to me at the brink of sleep and I couldn't forget it ever since. The Goldfish thing**** (amongst others)**** just kept nagging at my head begging me to write it and share it with the world, so ****yeah,**** I just pulled through with it. Please inform me of any typos!  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**So sorry for the late update…but yeah…busy…school….pie…stuff….Anyways…here's chapter 4! **

* * *

We walked, following back all the routes I had taken when I was attempting to throw her off. But I had an even better plan now. Full proof, too. There would be no way she'd escape the carefully put together plot that came to me in the beautiful spur of the moment. I was grinning to myself wickedly without even realizing it.

Goldfish took the emotion in my grin for something else. To add to that, my arm was still around her shoulder, encouraging her even more. I didn't mind, though. It would simply be ludicrously beautiful to watch all that love dash away into humiliation and the fateful feeling of rejection.

Her horrifying smile turned on and off with each posh restaurant we passed and left behind.

_Where's he taking me? __I really wish his dating skills were as good as his looks. But I guess I have to be content just for now…I mean, look at all the attention I'm getting! But who would blame __them__ surprised people? I __mean,__ me? Get a boyfriend as handsome as HIM? I'm surprised myself. Well, no not really. It was only a matter of seconds before he fell for my dangerous good looks……._

I was about to snort when I stopped myself. But I still couldn't help but grimace at such impossible thoughts. Who did she think she was anyway? Bella?

Seriously, who would think I was willing to go out with Goldfish? But with the way I was holding her shoulder with my arm, and how she was smiling and always attempting to hold my hand, I guess this wouldn't be _that_ much of shock.

But the torture was soon over. We reached the place I had thought to be the cage of all my hell.

"Wait," I said to her and let go.

Her face was eager, thinking I was about to get her a gift.

I entered the pet store and spotted the perfect "gift" to give dear Goldfish.

- - - - - - - - - -

I walked out, the handle of a green cage hanging from my index and middle finger. Through the thin wires, you could see an outraged squirrel banging its nut against the bars. He obviously remembered who I was. Well, he had to be thankful. Both our hell was about to end.

Goldfish was waiting at the exact same spot I left her in. She was bouncing in place now, clapping her hands in glee. Her flat face looked disfigured (even more) by a wide smile. I noticed that she had one tooth missing.

"You got me a pet squirrel!"

I just smiled and unhooked the cage door and gave it to her.

She grabbed the squirrel around the waist with one hand, suffocating it, given its tiny lungs. Her eyes bulged wider and seemed suddenly to pop out of their sockets.

The squirrel glared at her, obviously not happy. Not happy at all. It raised its arm containing the nut and snapped them forward. The small seed hit her forehead and made a hollow sound as it did.

Goldfish yelped. Her eyes closed on instinct and her hand shot to her head, letting go of the red rodent. The squirrel took the chance and leaped to one of the stalls nearby. Fortunately for me, it was a stall selling different types of lockets. Being only a cheap stall, the lockets were not made of gold but of metal wrapped in thin, gold leafings, which was still fine since they were just as hard as rocks.

The squirrel was grabbing the chainless necklaces with both paws and throwing them full force at Goldfish. Her hands flew to her face in a sad attempt to protect herself. The cage fell on the ground with an audible crash that vibrated the whole floor. She screamed in protest, getting me to save her.

I scuffled off, making sure no one saw me. As she didn't know my name, and thus never had a chance to scream "Edward help!" instead of "Boyfriend save me!" and because of that, the bystanders all looked at the nearest man to her in disgust as they thought _he_ was the uncaring boyfriend that didn't help her.

I slyly smiled then took off when I was at the edge of the gathering crowd.

The sounds of metal colliding with flesh and frumpy sweater, mixed with yelps and shouts was still behind me as I ran.

- - -

Well, Goldfish and thankfully that deranged squirrel were behind me now. I smiled in spite of myself, wondering how the two were getting along.

I got a grip and decided to start looking for Alien Alice.

I drifted around the third floor for a while, then continued on to the fourth floor. It was larger than all other floors, and thus quite noisier which annoyed me a bit.

It had a lot more activities and attractions, too. I spotted a throng of people gathered up in one of the main corridors. I spotted a side show, behind the many backs of persons. Bright red carts with bars held certain specimens waving from their spots inside their cages. I shook my head at the sheer inhumanity of it.

Let's see. There was a two-headed man, a guy that couldn't get off the toilet, a guy with his head stuck _in _a toilet, a woman with 8-meter long armpit hair…

A random guy with his Siamese twin and a fish tail on his back winked at me in a more-than-friendly way. I winced and looked at the cart beside it. A large woman with a pink, floral dress sitting on a toadstool was waving to the crowd. One of those bearded ladies, again. Fairly obvious. You could see from the ginormous bush of brown hair hanging from her chin, around her mouths, under her nose and on other places I'd rather not mention.

From my spot 10 yards away from the crowd, I glanced a plaque with her name on it.

Beardy.

Very original, I'm sure. But you see, I had no time to delve into the sheer genius of the name since I had to go look for an alien bent on dominating the planet.

I drifted away from the crowd, trying my darnest to look like a ghost that was just passing through.

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**Yesh****! Chapter 4 is over!!**** Chapter 5 would be my favorite so far…I thought it was chapter 2 but I swear I love this one even better…Edward gets an even worse "friend"….Yeah…inform me of any typos since my beta readers are unavailable for a few months…**


	5. Chapter 5

**Wow, been a long time hasn't it. Well, sorry. And here it is. Chap 5. BTW, I might be completing "How to Annoy…" coz' I can't think of anyone to annoy anymore. I'm going to use my crack and insanity for something else. On to Kingdom Hearts!!!**

**Oh yeah, please inform me of any typos you see.**

* * *

My mind wasn't really bent on hunting Alien Alice. I wasn't looking forward to the prospect of shopping with a crazy life form right after that horrifying incident with Goldfish and that deranged squirrel.

I wanted to be as far away as possible from the pet store but somehow, I haven't left the fourth floor yet. Except for when I reached a dead end and had to make an inevitable turn, I went mostly one direction. Never going up, never going down…yet.

I found myself in the movie house part of the mall, though for some reason I was thinking of pie and how cheese might dominate the Earth after they defeat the aliens.

Ah, what the hell. Strange things are going on so why would I be surprised by strange thoughts?

Well, I was sure that all horrific craziness and chaos were behind me. I was happily thinking of stuff when I felt myself bump into something.

Hard.

I, being a vampire, barely felt anything. I just stood there blinking. But the other victim wasn't so lucky. She (for that was the gender of the victim..I think) fell to the ground with her many (and I mean _many_), large (and I mean really _large_) packages clattering to the ground with large crashes sounds bouncing off the walls.

The passerby's all paused mid-step in their …whatever they're doing to observe the spectacle at the front of the popcorn stand, and then they continued on when all I did was stand there, blending in perfectly with the crowd.

When things were in motion among the citizens again, I bent down and picked up the nearest package. It was a large, rectangular box wrapped in elegant paper with leafy, floral designs with a pale pink ribbon wound around it.

I raised my head to look at who I bumped into. I appraised a small woman with wispy gray hair on the floor coughing and spluttering….gagging, gasping, wheezing, choking, panting, retching and many other things including possibly dying. It was at this point that the old gentleman me would've helped out the poor old grandma but right now…I was only acting on my own interest. Well, she had to be grateful I was picking up one, enormous gift for her. I mean, sure I could've also carried those, several other larger, probably heavier packages, but I was making the load lighter for her, for about 10 or 15 seconds.

Anyways, back to describing her. Well, she stood up and God knows she could've still been sitting down given her height. A lot smaller than Alien Alice/Alice, in fact. Well, she had a hunched back. That had to help. What was left of her hair was tied into the tightest of buns. Her eyes were small and squinting surrounded by many pungent wrinkles that made her face look saggy. She held an ebony dark cane with an austere hand that seemed to match in contrast the white, terrifying gown thing she was wearing. One look at her and any normal person would be running in the opposite direction.

I was about to giver the package when she swung her spindly cane at my face. I raised the box I was holding in defense and it gave away to her surprising strength. The fine porcelain statue of a horse fell on the floor and broke into pieces.

"You hooligans!" She continued batting her stick at me with both arms. I stood my ground and just held my hands in front of me so she could happily hit my wrists. I wondered why she didn't think of hitting lower where my defenses seemed weak.

"You youngsters all the same! Going up an innocent lady's knickers!"

_Another_ one! Do ALL women nowadays think every guy is after them???

"Please…ma'am," I started but stopped when she stopped with me.

She squinted her eyes harder at me. "Larry? Is that yuu?"

"Uhm…err…"

"Larry! Whadyou think yuu're doing?!" She started bonking my head. "Where's your cousin? Henrietta?! Where ees she?!"

"Henrietta? Oh…well." Frankly. I didn't know where she was.

She hit me with the side of her cane. Her surprising strength was so great it lightly lifted me bodily off my feet. "Henrietta? Since when were you so _flat_?" She hit my chest again. Repeatedly. But this time, I stood my ground. "I was looking for yah' and yuu ne'er came back!!!"

"You have me mistaken ma'am," I said.

"No I har'nt! You're blonde ain't yah! You're a woman, ain't yah! Do yer' think I'm blind!"

I blinked at her, dumbfounded. It was here I spotted a pair of glasses in the corner. It was cracked in the side at one rim and cracked in the center in the other with crevices webbing out to the outer rims. Oh. Well, no wonder.

But surely she must at least see the deep contrast between hair color and gender and the fact that I sound nothing at all like whoever this Henrietta was. That I can be sure of.

"Uhm no, old lady. I'm Edward Cullen.I have dark hair and is a man."

"Say _what_? You changed yuu're name, dyed yer hair and had one o' dem sex changes!!! Behind mah' back!! Ees dat what yuu been doin' while yeh' were gone?!"

"What? No."

"Then yer lying," she exclaimed suspiciously. "I always knew yeh' were a bad seed."

Her words and tone seemed to shake along with her body.

I gave up then. I decided to play along since I found it a tad bit tedious today to have to argue with some grandmother who's lost her Henrietta. Given her loving personality, I wouldn't be surprised if I found out Henrietta were already halfway through America.

This would be just another Goldfish. All I had to do was make up a devious plot to get rid of her. I was pretty sure she'd stick to me like glue no matter how many intricate paths I weave in the mall just like Goldfish, but like I said, all I really needed was a plan.

Of course, plans take time to make up so until then, I'll just play along.

Besides, all I had to do was pretend to be Henrietta, follow her around carrying packages that weighed nothing in my arms, right?

Right?

-------------

Wrong. Wrong. Very, very, very wrong.

I hid my face behind the many packages I was carrying which piled up into a whopping five feet high albeit the height from the floor to my arms.

The girls passing by giggled and some laughed uncontrollably as Grandma Sheldon (That's what I named her) asked my opinion on what kind of _knickers_ I should be wearing to the junior prom. I normally didn't care about gossip spreading in town, and right now I still didn't, but the thing is, rumor spreads quick in places like Port Angeles and Forks, and if this reached the ears of Bella, Jasper and God please don't … Emmet, well, I'd really hate this day.

All I could do to prevent that would be to make sure no one would see my face. I pulled one arm from beneath the pile and balanced the lot with one arm. With my free hand, I arranged the packages so my face could be even more concealed. It _could_ help.

"This looks promising, ain't et, Henrietta?" Grandma Sheldon said, waving a pair of yellow, cotton knickers in my face.

A guy walking with his girlfriend was passing by when she said that. He suddenly roared with laughter. I was certain. Very sure I was Heaven's own personal joke.

I hunched my shoulders and let my hair fall all over my face. This_ wasn't_happening. I waited eagerly for the invasion of the aliens. Any minute now…

Grandma Sheldon grabbed my wrist midway me arranging two packages on top of the pile. I grabbed those from falling a split second before I started walking. She herded me out of the underwear store, thankfully. But now I was bracing myself for whatever she was pulling me for.

That devious plot to get rid of her wasn't coming as quickly as I wanted it to.

"Hurry up, Henrietta!" She shouted without turning to me, going with the speed of an old woman. Oh, wait. She is an old woman. "Gotta hurry if yer' don't want to be late for the' parteh!"

Party? Oh for the love of Carlisle's God, no. Let it be anything. A children's party, a wedding party, a Christmas reunion, a funeral celebration. _Anything_ except for….

- - - - -- ------

A High school reunion.

I wasn't Heaven's personal joke. I was Heaven's own comedy sketch. Maybe they had a nickname for me. Maybe Edward the Elephant or Edward the Sad Man Shopping for Old Woman Underwear.

If it were possible, I would have fallen down my knees and screamed "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo……" right to the sky. But I couldn't. Cause' I was busy being Henrietta.

"Henrietta?" One of the old women said. "Doesn't look like a Henrietta to me."

I like _this _one old woman as far as Edward Cullen-liking-old-women goes. She wasn't dressed like Grandma Sheldon, all frills and ruffles in her tattered dress. This one was wearing a smart blazer and slacks and a pair of dress shoes, with modern-fashioned glasses perched on her nose, which oddly seemed to look good on her. And her head had a fashionable, spiky haircut decreasing her age a bit. Well, with the way she was acting, it felt like she was the oldest of the bunch.

She peered at me through her black-rimmed glasses. "Are you _sure _this is a 16 year-old girl, Sheldon?" -(Wow, I was right, without even reading her mind!) –"She doesn't _seem _to be…"

Of course I don't seem to be. I'm not! For the smartest person there in the group, she was pretty dumb. But it was good that someone was being skeptical about my sex. Everyone else bought it the second they heard it.

"Oh, how cute!"

"Such a pretty girl!"

"A doll!"

"Hmph, _my _granddaughter looks better."

"I love her skin.."

Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. And amidst the pinching of cheeks and ruffling of hair and complimenting of complexion they all referred to me as her or she or Henrietta.

Yes, pretty annoying.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Yeah…the name Ellone doesn't belong to me. I'm naming the smart old lady Ellone coz' I can't keep on calling her "old lady number one" or something similar. The name belongs to Final Fantasy VIII (Love that game), and it was originally going to be Raine, since it's my second favorite name in the game (next to Rinoa) and I thought it didn't fit much, so I just went for third which sounded more old fashioned in a sense. **

**WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE!! STRONG LANGUAGE!!**

**So here's chapter six. **

"Oh Henrietta, stop that! Don't you know how dirty those table cloths really are?"

Yes I did, and I'd bet Carlisle's God that I knew more about the components of sludge better than _you_ did, but right now…I couldn't care less. I pointedly buried my head against the table cloth even more, just to annoy the old woman. I was really starting to not like the smart geezer in the blazer (who turned out to be named 'Ellone')

"_Henrietta! _When an elderly is talking to you, you are obligated to show respect. You can do that by listening to me!"

I lifted my head to look at the sullen, stern eyes. I'm sure I looked drunk to her. "Yes I heard you, _ma'am_." Then slowly rested my forehead on the ketchup-stained table.

It was kind of hard not to hear the _hmph _and the "good girl, I suppose," that followed thereafter.

What happened to all that skepticism about my sex? Good 

_girl_? I'd love to show them what I look like without a shirt on but I'm afraid they'd take it the wrong way. Instead I moaned; too bad they took that the wrong way, too.

"Henrietta, yer' having dysmenorrhea or something?"

I just wanted to get away, and frankly I don't know why I haven't, really. Maybe it was because this reunion gave you this morbid feeling where there's no escape and it was getting to me. Oh…Bella. It looks like even my sensibility left along with you. I wish both of you would come back.

_Rude girl. Didn't I just tell her it was a dreadful habit not to respond?_ I accidentally read one of the minds of women surrounding me. She didn't talk like a whore (I can't believe I even said that disgusting word) or a hillbilly so that leaves Ellone. Not wanting her to repeat what she just thought out loud, I reacted immediately to what Sheldon said.

"No ma'am, I don't think I'm physically able to have dysmenorrhea anyway."

"Yer' sure? Yer' can goes to one of dem bathrooms, Henrietta. I always knew deese was a'comin'…"

Wait? A bathroom?! Away from here?! I mean there was no bathroom in the restaurant where the reunion was being held, I was free to go outside…forever!! Freedom!!



I quickly back-tracked from my words earlier on, and started moaning louder, to make it seem like I was in pain

"Henrietta, dear?" Another elderly, not Sheldon or Ellone inquired. Her tone was concerned, but her thoughts said otherwise. I didn't bother answering her. I moaned louder, and then groaned (there's a difference, mind you) and just to add effect, I cradled my stomach and pressed my knees together like the sorry dysmennorrhea-ridden girl I was.

Sheldon pulled out something from her bag and as I lifted my head up to excuse myself, I was met with the soft impact of a packet hitting my nose.

"There! I knew getting dem' tampons was' a good' idea. Gotta use one of dem' noggin's!" Sheldon exclaimed pointing to said…_noggin_.

"Uhm, yes…Excuse me, ladies," I said standing from the table, tampon hidden in hand.

As soon as I knew that I was out of sight, right around the next corner of the restaurant I discarded the tampon packet. I _obviously _didn't want to be seen with one of those since I was sure that a great number of the society would know what my actual sex was and would be wondering as to why I was carrying something I shouldn't be carrying.

A step out the door. A breath. Freedom.

Freedom…

Freedom. _Freedom_. I can't believe it. I can't even believe I'm thinking that word. _Freedom. _

…

…

…

FREEDOM. _FREEDOM_. FREEDOM! FREEDOM!! Finally! I'm free! No more 'Ellone's. No more 'Sheldon's. No more reunions or ketchup-stained tablecloths! No more sex-confused women! No more-_umph_.

Yes, it seemed that I had a habit of bumping into people lately. There was a large 'thump' as whoever bumped into me fell on his or her rear end. Fearing the worse, I looked down at the trouble I've bumped (Yes, get it? Bump?) into again.

"Aw fuck! What the _fuck_! I mean! What the hell was that?!"

Goldfish? No. Sheldon? No. Anything similar? Not likely. I had bumped into something like a cliché rebellious teenage girl. Why couldn't I bump into a guy once in awhile? Saying of course that that man wasn't gay. And of course I'm not trying to imply that I would, for a lack of better terms, _prefer_ a man if you catch my meaning.



"You ass-crack bitch! I mean, can't you, like, watch where you're going?! Jesus Christ, is it that hard to _look_?" The girl continued to rant, and frankly, it was hurting my ears. Especially that 'bitch' part. It was drawing into a very sensitive line after the last bouts of gender confusion.

I sighed. She got up apparently not noticing me yet, as she was still continuing to curse. "What kind of crappy _shit_ is this? Fagging' bastard (well, at least she noticed I was finally male)! Your crotch distracting you too much?! Ah godammit, if you can't watch where you're going _now_ I don't know _how_ you're gonna aim when you piss! Dude you need to get your nuts in order! I mean, my ass is hurting like hell right now! I mean dam-oh…_daaaaaaaaaaaaamn…_"

Her eyes went into a daze as her eyes finally comprehended who she was talking to. My carnivorous allure kicked in and was catching its first victim after a while.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, because at some level, yes, you were right. I was being distracted and that is no excuse for me to offend a lady like you," I said. It seemed my gentleman manners were working right now. Out of all the illogical thoughts that flitted through my head, one came to me: Bella was coming home.

All the girl could do was nod. I might add that a bit of dribble was well, dribbling, down her chin. "Yeah…level….excuse….lady……like….."

It was unfortunate though, that I caught a few strands of thought. _Ohmagod, Ohmagod…did he say _like_? He is _SO _going to ask me out…OMG OMG OMG…._

Everyone seemed to think I was attracted to them nowadays. I wouldn't be surprised if the postman suddenly decided to flirt with me.

Before I could say anything else, I heard a very, very, _very_ familiar voice that sent my spine going rigid in a spur of terror.

"Henrietta! Is that joo?!"

**SOOOOO sorry that took so long. I had so much stuff to do that I didn't know where to start. Anyways, I didn't want to think up another character, so I just plucked out a character from another one of my fanfictions (not yet posted). GASP! Cameo appearance. And it's said fanfic that's keeping me occupied along with a non-fanfic I'm working on.**


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